Sunday, April 13, 2014

The Long Journey Home

Finding Self-Forgiveness after Abuse

A survivor may be out of their situation, but the effects of abuse can last a lifetime without the help that they need to move through it. Sometimes long after we have left our abuser we become our own worst enemy.

We continue repeating the complaints and criticisms to ourselves that our abusers caused us to believe. When we are consistently bashing ourselves there is not much room left for healing.

Survivors may go through years after leaving an abusive relationship believing the things their abuser told them without ever realizing their self-worth or finding the forgiveness they need for themselves to heal.

Forgiving yourself is oftentimes much harder than forgiving others.

As many children raised in homes where domestic violence, sexual trauma, neglect or emotional abuse was present knows, it is easier to come to terms with the abuse that you endured that to forgive yourself for the patterns it causes you to fall into down the line.

Those early traumas cause relationships to be poisoned, good people we encounter we tend to withdraw from and even friendships may suffer. The patterns we become prone to must be dealt with and worked on for our entire lives through.


We have to embark on a path to self-forgiveness or we won’t ever be truly free.
One of the biggest offenders is self-criticism. After years of hearing how mentally or emotionally unstable you are, ugly, fat or worthless, you tend to believe these things.
One suggestion that will help you to start identifying the patterns is to start journaling. Prompt yourself to identify the self-criticisms that you are prone to repeating to yourself. One good example is, “I am fat and ugly, and I won’t ever find anyone who will truly love me.”
You also want to identify your hopes and your dreams that lie suppressed under the criticism. All too many times we lose sight of these early on in abusive situations. Look then for ways to reach those goals, hopes and dreams while also finding ways that you can heal.
There are support groups, advocates, councilors and many other organizations to help you find solid ground. Still, no matter how many times you try to find healing, it only comes once forgiveness has been achieved. You may have to start your day over 30 times in one day, but that is ok. It is a matter of reconditioning. Sometimes staying positive is a struggle, but you have to do it.

Forgiveness will get easier in time, and the journey to healing can begin.

Also, if you want to help these survivors to find their strength, self-forgiveness and ultimately to heal you can donate to Uplifting Change Through Healing Words so that we can do our part. This is a community funded program, and for us to help them it takes all of us pulling together to make that happen.

http://www.upliftingchangethroughhealingwords.com/#!donate/c1ghi

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Sin by Silence

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE FACT SHEET

Domestic violence is not a new phenomenon, yet society has only recently begun to recognize the tragedy of violence against women as a social problem of extraordinary proportions. For far too many women, home is a place of greater danger than places in public view – more dangerous than places of work, more dangerous than interstates and freeways, and more dangerous than city streets. This crime against women affects nearly one-third of American women. Domestic violence causes far more pain than the visible marks of bruises and scars. It is a devastation to be abused by a loved one who you think loves you in return and has a ripple effect on numerous victims.

Domestic abuse creates a cycle of violence. Children who are abused or witness abuse are at a higher risk of abusing their own family and significant others as an adult. In addition, they also are at risk for long-term physical and mental health problems, including alcohol and substance abuse. It is evident that these abuse victims follow the example they learned in childhood and continue the cycle of violence when they are adults. According to the National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline, domestic violence is witnessed by between 3.3 and 10 million children every year, and these are only the cases reported. Forty percent of girls aged 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age that has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend; and approximately one in five female high school students report being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner.

It has been only been about 40 years since our country began to take notice of what is happening behind closed doors. In 1978, the United States formed the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence along with the first battered women’s program opening in North Carolina.  By the early 1980s, statistics proved that isolated cases of abuse were part of a shocking national problem. As a result, victims became more visible, as well as the inadequacy of society's response. The battered women's movement emerged, becoming one of the most powerful social justice and service movements in United States history.

Shelters and hotlines began to spring up around the country and what began as a social, service-based response to crisis began to take on political urgency. The staggering numbers of women and children turning to shelters continually outpaced the growth of the movement. The shelter work uncovered endless horror stories: law enforcement officials who mislabeled domestic disturbances, judges who ruled in favor of perpetrators, and health care providers who mishandled violence-related injuries. At every turn, women seeking help could expect indifference, hostility, and endangerment. It became clear that helping women in crisis required more than front-line emergency service: it required changing the established social institutions and the laws affecting them.

During the 1980s, a vibrant network of nearly two thousand domestic violence programs in the United States organized into state coalitions to take on the challenge of pressuring social institutions to adequately respond to victims.  The 1990s proved to be a turning point decade with the Violence Against Women Act being passed in 1994.  This major federal bill provided more than $1 billion to assist shelters, train law enforcement personnel and judges, and support other crime-prevention efforts addressing violence against women. The decade also saw the trial of O. J. Simpson for allegedly

murdering his former wife, Nicole, and her friend. Though he was eventually acquitted of criminal charges, Simpson's case launched unprecedented media coverage of the issues of domestic violence.

Over the last 20 years, researchers have finally started to explore the lives and experiences of battered women who killed their abusive male partners due to the evidence found in the area of domestic violence over the decades. Yet tragically, domestic violence remains an unavoidable threat to the fabric of all families and the well being of society’s future. 

As Abraham Lincoln once stated, “To SIN BY SILENCE when we should protest makes cowards of men.”  SIN BY SILENCE can help create and inspire advocates to be part of a movement of change that alters the country’s political and judicial scenarios and stigmas.  It is about changing lives and being part of a larger movement that addresses all types of violence against all women. 

The goal of the SIN BY SILENCE team is for the documentary to be the catalyst that can lead to the collaboration of knowledge and action.  Knowledge that is developed through the CWAA stories of pain, tragedy, inspiration and triumph.  Action that will lead to safer communities, homes and families.



NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE STATISTICS

One in four women (25 percent) have experienced domestic violence in her lifetime.
(The National Institute of Justice, Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence)

Up to 6 million women who are physically abused by their husband or boyfriend per year.
(U.S. Department of Justice)

Women account for 85 percent of the victims of intimate partner violence, men for approximately 15percent.
(Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief)

Women aged 16-24 are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence.
(Bureau of Justice Statistics)

Approximately one in five female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner.
(Journal of the American Medical Association)

Forty percent of girls aged 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age that has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.
(Kaiser Permanente)

Studies suggest that between 3.3 - 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.
(National Crime Victimization Survey)

Nearly 2.2 million people called a domestic violence crisis or hot line in 2004 to escape crisis situations, seek advice, or assist someone they thought might be victims.
(National Network to End Domestic Violence)

Nearly three out of four (75 percent) of Americans personally know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence. 30 percent of Americans say they know a woman who has been physically abused by her husband or boyfriend in the past year.
(Family Violence Prevention Fund)

The health-related costs of intimate partner violence exceed $5.8 billion each year. Of that amount, nearly $4.1 billion is for direct medical and mental health care services, and nearly $1.8 billion is for the indirect costs of lost productivity or wages.
(Centers for Disease Control and Prevention)

About half of all female victims of intimate violence report an injury of some type, yet only 20 percent of them seek medical assistance.
(National Crime Victimization Survey)

Thirty-seven percent of women who sought treatment in emergency rooms for violence-related injuries in 1994 were injured by a current or former spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend.
(U.S. Department of Justice)

On average, more than four women and one man are murdered by their intimate partners in this country every day.
(Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief)




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Thursday, March 27, 2014

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Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Lacking space, Philly shelter must turn away thousands of abuse victims
"No vacancy."
Abused women looking for emergency shelter in Philadelphia are hearing that phrase more and more often these days.
Women Against Abuse, the city's only domestic violence shelter, is on track to turn away battered residents about 10,000 times this year for lack of space.
The shelter has been forced to say "no vacancy" to domestic violence victims 8,890 times between January and October 2013, marking an increase in turnaways for the fifth straight year. In all of 2012, the shelter said "no vacancy" 8,199 times; in 2011, 7,946 times; in 2010, 7,288 times; in 2009, 4,671 times; and in 2008, 1,705 times. 
Jeannine Lisitski, executive director of Women Against Abuse, blames the trend, in part, on the troubled economy.
"Abuse cuts across all socioeconomic [statuses], all ethnicities, everything. But if you are poor and being abused, you don't have as many options," she said. "So you're going to be reaching out more."
She also said that greater awareness of Philadelphia's domestic violence hotline (866-723-3014) may be a factor.
Women Against Abuse is planning to open a second shelter in June with the help of a $2.5 million city contract, making 100 extra beds available, for a total of 200 beds for domestic violence victims in Philadelphia. Lisitski hopes that will help turn around the alarming trend, though she said it won't fully meet the demand for emergency housing.
"People want to know what the answer is. The answer is a policy nationwide of affordable housing," she said. "That's what it would take to have zero turnaways."
She said other big U.S. cities typically set aside 250 beds for victims of domestic violence.
http://www.newsworks.org/index.php/local/philadelphia/65320-lack-of-philly-public-housing-forces-domestic-violence-victims-to-stay-with-abuser


Tracey Little was trapped inside of her own home.
It was 2011, and she was living in a public housing complex in North Philadelphia with her 10-year-old granddaughter and her husband. A husband who, she says, had been beating her for several years.
"My granddaughter, she's seen a lot," said Little. "A lot that she shouldn't have seen."
So Little, whose real name is being withheld for her safety, decided to do something that many battered women never do. She reached out for help.
Little says she asked the Philadelphia Housing Authority, which manages the city's public housing sites, to move her and her granddaughter to a different apartment.
One far, far away from the alleged abuser.
More than two years would pass, Little says, before PHA finally offered her a new place.
Her situation is not unusual. According to interviews with domestic violence victims and women's advocates, dozens of PHA tenants who claim to have been abused have waited months and sometimes even years to be transferred to new, safer homes. Advocates say the wait in such situations should not be more than a few weeks.
In recent months, PHA has sped up that process somewhat and started to act on advice from women's advocates.
However, those advocates say that the agency is still not relocating many abused residents quickly enough.
"One of the greatest issues that's facing the city of Philadelphia is violence, and we know that violence in the streets stems from violence at home," said Jeannine Lisitski, executive director of the nonprofit Women Against Abuse. "Until we get a grasp on this ... there's nobody who should not view this as their business."
Dozens of families waiting to leave abusive situations
At the beginning of last year, about 40 families in Philly's public housing units were on a waiting list for relocations due to domestic violence, according to Community Legal Services attorney Rasheedah Phillips. (She has been briefed on the matter by PHA.)
PHA did not respond to questions about the waiting list. PHA president Kelvin Jeremiah also would not grant an interview for this story, though an agency spokeswoman initially said he was available.
With help from advocates, Phillips says, PHA has recently cut down its waiting list for abused residents who need to be moved. She says about 10 families were on the list in December, and the typical household is waiting two to three months to be moved, down from six or more months in early 2013.
"Relatively speaking, it's a lot shorter than what it was," she said. "[It's] still a very, very long time. These people are being put into very dangerous situations."
Ideally, Phillips says that families should not be on the waiting list for any longer than two weeks — especially if they prove in court that they're in harm's way.
In the fall of 2012, Little (again, not her real name) and her husband got a divorce. She then asked the Court of Common Pleas for a protection-from-abuse order against him. She alleged in a petition to the court that he had "bitten ... choked, punched and kicked" her and "left bruises on her face."
A Common Pleas judge granted Little a three-year protection order in October 2012, which evicted her ex-husband from the apartment and made it a crime for him to contact her.
But PHA still dragged its feet. According to emails obtained by WHYY/NewsWorks, a PHA attorney said that the eviction was a "remedy" to the situation and Little would not be moved.
"The abuser, of course, still knew where she lived," said Phillips, who is also a pro-bono attorney for Little and others in her situation. "It took several weeks of advocacy to get PHA to understand that."
No solution — and no compassion
To add insult to injury, Little says PHA officials were insensitive.
"They were heartless," she said. "When you're going through something like that ... you want somebody to know that you're telling the truth and know that you've been through this and you're hurting, and they don't see it as that."
Little says that she was finally offered an apartment last week, though the unit may not be suitable because it is located on the third floor and she has back and neck injuries.
Other PHA residents shared similar tales. One woman, who requested anonymity for fear of retribution, says that she asked in 2011 to be transferred out of the PHA complex where her abusive ex-boyfriend was living. She had obtained a restraining order against him, but he repeatedly violated it and beat her up, she says.
"He told me the police can't keep him away from me," she said. "I told PHA management about the situation. I even go there with a police report, even with my face being busted, and ... the manager in the office never did anything."
It took two years to finally be relocated, she says.
Domestic violence victims also told of being transferred to housing developments in the very neighborhoods where their abusers lived and of having sensitive documents misplaced by PHA officials.
With an average income of $10,645, families in public housing have few choices outside of PHA. The city's housing market was nearly 69,000 units short of the number of "affordable and available" rental units needed by the city's poor in 2010, according a Federal Reserve Bank of Philadelphia study.
Philadelphia's only domestic violence shelter, meanwhile, has been forced to turn away thousands of requests for shelter in the last few years due to lack of space. The nonprofit Women Against Abuse is planning to open a second shelter in June.
Lack of housing funds aggravates issue
To proponents of public housing, the stories from Little and other PHA residents are troubling, but not surprising. They see the situation as the result of years of dramatic underfunding of PHA.
The nation's foreclosure crisis and high unemployment rates have pumped up demand for public housing, but Congress has not provided enough money for cities and towns to cope, they say. In fact, lawmakers temporarily cut funding for public housing during the federal sequester.
"What we've seen over the last several years is a real debate about the role of government," said Liz Hersh, executive director of the Housing Alliance of Pennsylvania. "The impact of that has been that the very lowest-income people who don't have fancy lobbyists and can't buy power and influence, they've been really harmed."
More than 100,000 people are currently waiting in line for PHA units, rental subsidies and other forms of public housing, says PHA spokeswoman Nichole Tillman. In 2005, the Philadelphia Inquirer reported that nearly 46,000 families in the city were waiting in line for various types of public housing; in 1997, only about 13,000 families were waiting.
Today, Tillman says, 400 PHA units typically open up each year. That slow trickle undoubtedly makes it difficult for PHA to move its tenants out of abusive homes. In many cases, advocates are essentially seeking two apartments for people who once only needed one.
Lisitski, of Women Against Abuse, agrees that PHA is being shortchanged: "Funding for affordable housing is the big issue."
However, she says, PHA staffers are not adequately trained to deal with tenants who are being abused, and that, too, can slow down the relocation process.
"I hear so much, 'Well, why does she go back if it was really abuse? Now they're together and they look all happy,'" said Lisitski.
Likewise, Phillips says that PHA could move abused residents more quickly by getting creative. She'd like to see PHA set aside a portion of Section 8 vouchers for tenants in Little's situation; or, if two households both need to be relocated, PHA could ask them to switch places.
"Funding doesn't always have to be the excuse," Phillips said.
PHA improvements noted
PHA provided a brief statement in response to several detailed questions by WHYY/NewsWorks.org.
Tillman says the agency recently worked with Women Against Abuse and Community Legal Services to streamline requests by domestic violence victims to be relocated.
"PHA and Women Against Abuse now have open lines of communications. PHA has held meetings with Women Against Abuse and CLS almost on a monthly basis since August 2012 to discuss any challenges with the process," she said. "PHA will continue to collaborate with organizations that also serve this city's most vulnerable."
Advocates at Women Against Abuse and Community Legal Services agree that PHA has made improvements in recent months. For instance, Lisitski says, PHA is working to craft a specific transfer policy for domestic violence victims.
She also says PHA tenants can now submit evidence that was not previously permitted, such as testimony from victim advocates, to prove that they need to be moved.
"PHA has changed dramatically," said Lisitski. "They're very open to community partnerships."
To Little, that's cold comfort. The bottom line, she says, is that PHA should relocate abused families much, much faster than they do now.
"Wait on that person right away," she said. "You can't play with someone's life."
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